Will you go to Paris to photograph a pyramid and queue ninety minutes for a small painting, and leave the city thinking you have seen it all? No. That’s not what you are going to do.

Well you could do that. Or you could find out which queen poisoned her dinner guests, which king died showing off at a jousting match, and which “beloved” ruler got stabbed in a traffic jam, all while standing on the exact spots where it happened.

The Royal Tour of Paris turns the whole city into a two-day game about the messiest family in European history. Twenty-six real Paris locations, dropped as pins on a live map you open on your phone. But this isn’t a list of dares. It’s a story. Tap a pin, walk to the spot, and the dead Royals of France start talking to you. Arguing, mostly. Accusing each other. Begging you to take their side.

Why? Because you’re not a tourist here, you’re the judge. At every location a scandal unfolds as a full dialogue scene, two Royals telling two versions of the same event, and you decide who was telling the truth. Was it statecraft or a trap? His own vanity or an honest accident? A beloved king murdered, or a queen with suspiciously good timing? Every verdict you hand down earns you the favour of one of four Houses: Valois, Bourbon, Bonaparte, or the Shadow Court that pulled every string from behind the throne.

By the end of the two days, everything you decided has been quietly adding up. The Houses convene, their leaders make their case one last time, and you choose whose blood you carry. Pick the House your verdicts actually served and you take the throne. Pick wrong and they keep you as a peasant. Refuse all of them and rule alone. The city has been keeping score the whole time. You just couldn’t see it.

Your guides through the chaos are Kim (uh… me), who is far too excited about all of this, and Mr. Sterces, a posh digital butler who finds the entire endeavour beneath him and says so, constantly. He’s wrong. Let him have it.

What’s inside:

• 26 hand-researched real Paris locations, from Notre-Dame to the squares nobody puts in a guidebook
• A full branching dialogue scene at every stop, historical figures voiced, arguing, and waiting for your verdict
• Four rival Houses and a live allegiance system that tracks every choice you make
• A real ending that changes based on who you sided with across the whole quest, not a fixed finish line
• A cast of over fifty Royals, mistresses, poisoners and cardinals, unlocking into a family tree as you walk
• Fact-checked history and scandal behind every location, no myths passed off as truth
• Achievements for the Royals you honour and the House you end up ruling (or serving)
• Works straight from your phone, no app download
• Yours forever. Open it before the trip, during it, or years later when you want to remember which of them was the poisoner

Built for the traveller who already knows the Mona Lisa is small and doesn’t care. If you’d rather leave Paris knowing which king kept his mistress’s initials carved into the Louvre wall than with another photo of a pyramid, this is your quest.

Warning: contains centuries of adultery, at least four assassinations, one man who thought he was made of glass, and a queen who really, genuinely, did not say “let them eat cake.”